One of the many things that marks an introvert is the tendency to live in one’s own head. I don’t know how conversations work for extroverts, but for me they work something like this:
Me: Hello! It’s nice to see you! Is that her real hair color? I wonder if she thinks my dye job is awful.
Her: How are you! I haven’t seen you in a while. What’s going on?
Me: Nothing. I mean, I’ve been really busy, but it’s just the same old stuff. I sound really lame, don’t I? Oh, crap. She’s looking at her watch. She thinks I’m boring.
Her: I’m going to lunch with George at 1. Have you met George? He worked with Marshall in purchasing before Marshall moved to Des Moines. I heard he’s doing really well there. Really happy. He and his wife bought a five-acre property with a 100-year-old farmhouse that they’re fixing up.
Me: Wow! That’s great. He’s working in Iowa, or remotely? She thinks my house sucks. I know she does. For crying out loud, I’m not the DIY type! Or does she think I’m not happy? Why did she say “really” happy? Like I’m faking it?
Her: Oh, he’s working remotely. Well, I’ve got to run. Call me! Let’s get together for lunch next week!
Me: Absolutely! Does she really want me to call, or is she just trying to be nice. I’ll call her, but I won’t mention lunch. Just in case she didn’t really mean it.
That’s right. Every single exchange is questioned. And long after that one-minute exchange is over, I’ll still be playing it in my mind, continuing to question “Did she really mean that?” for the rest of the day. In practice, it’s exhausting. I never feel like I know the truth about how other people feel about me. Whether someone is laughing at my jokes because my jokes are really funny, or because they think I can do something for them. When someone expresses delight or admiration for the work I’m doing, I don’t know whether it’s the work, or whether they’re trying to impress me by being impressed by me. I’m as susceptible to flattery as the next person, but I would also like to know that when someone is nice to me, they’re nice to me because they actually like me.
And just so you know, if I’m nice to you, it’s because I like you.
I Love You But Fuck Off 
My gods, it’s like you live in my head! Those are the same interior monologues I have. *sigh*
The more I reveal those things that make me feel alone, the more I find out that a lot of people share them.
I’m so glad to know that I’m not the only one who does that questioning thing with every conversation. You’re right, it is exhausting.
I’m jealous of people like my sister, who seems to be able to just accept everything at face value and say whatever is in her mind without becoming paralyzed by a conversational Zeno’s Paradox.
In fact, I think it’s a widespread phenomenon. This comic points to the same thing: http://www.phdcomics.com/comics/archive.php?comicid=1472
I don’t get this in every conversation; it happens maybe half the time.
your jokes are really funny.
Yay. I’m happy to know that, at least some of the time, people are laughing with me, not at me.
Pingback: I’ll Never Write for the Movies « What Monkeys Think
Pingback: What I Can’t Count in Words « What Monkeys Think